Saturday, December 3, 2016

A Wife Anguish: Suicidal Thoughts, Mental And Physical Abused, Her Journey To Escape The Cycle

Have you ever have suicidal thoughts? 

Those where the thoughts that consumed my mind of a daily bases. What prevent me from going through with it is not family but the thought of eternal punishment. That's the one punishment I fear the most.

I would like to share my story. Hopefully I can get some positive feedbacks.

Has a young child growing up I have a dream. Not the American dream but the dream of having a family with a stable environment. Something I have never experience while growing up. I grew up being abused mentally and physically. I saw my mom get abused has well by someone who claim to love her. I never wanted to continued that cycle. However, it seems has tough I did and my journey to end that cycle begins today.

I'm no longer a child. I'm a woman in my mid twenties. I got married and you know what? whoever told you married life was fun, fucking lie to you. I hate every single minute of it. I have never felt more alone in my entire life. Don't get me wrong it can be worth you while if you married your soulmate if you believe in such thing or someone who think of you has their partner.  However, I thought i had that, but it turns out that i was wrong. The sad part about it is that i still can't admit to myself i make a mistake.

Anyway, I ended up marrying someone from my pass. Back then were never romantically involved but years later we got in touch and started dating. We date for many years before tying the knot. During our relationship it was bitter sweet like any couple we argue, fight and makeup. But silly little me was in loved and ignore the warning sign. 

Mistake 1

At the beginning of our relationship he cheated numerous times, stupid enough I forgive him. That's where my first mistake begins. I try to be has understanding has possible and try to figured out what went wrong and now we are here, married. 

Mistake 2

The dream I had, suddenly turns into nightmares. We are married. Has a married couple I expect honestly, trust, and companionship. This was my second mistake. How can I possible expect this from someone who cheated not once but five times? (From what I know). Well it's because I love this man. 

Moving Forward
We are married. Happy occasion right? nope during this marriage I found out about a secret account that was in his name, I was yelled at for asking about it. I was yelled at on numerous occasions, I was lied to, he went behind my back on numerous occasions, I was belittle and I left feeling lonely. 

(To future explain how I was belittle. I was called names such has bitch, ungrateful, gold digger. I was told numerous times to fuck off etc. I admit I can get rude when i'm angry but i do not curse neither do I call him names during any of out arguments. I took it all with tears falling down. 

To future explain how I was left lonely. 
I try to be considerate and not be all up in his business. If he wants to hang with his friends i'm all for it. But this man would rather hang with his friends than giving me the time of day. For instance, once i was at work while he's supposed to be home. I message him multiple times if he can get me and he ignore those messages. He would come up with numerous reason why he can't get me but none when he wants to meet his friends. By the way at this time he was mu husband. And yes I took it. 

To future explain how I'm ungrateful and a gold digger. That's something I can't do. Three month during our marriage he supported me financially. During the course of us dating and in our marriage everything that concerns me I took care of. Any financial obligations I took care of. Occasionally my parents would help me. But I have learn to not depend on anyone but myself and he thought me that base on his actions.)

Yes I took it all, and you know what? because I took it all, i'm here today stronger than i was before. Everything about me change. At one point hate consume my heart but i'm not the type to hate someone for too long.

He started to see the change in me, he mention it numerous times that I am changing. But that silly little girl who was in loved with him and have little love for herself, is slowly disappearing. 

The child that was blinded by love is slowly starting to see. Do I still love him? I'm I in love with him? Do I want to be with him? Does he make me happy? Those are question I ask myself. 

Will I be able to love him? Is he worth my time? His he worth all this? I'm I too good for him? Should I continue to make this work?

Is he more than me? No. No one is more than me. I should not have to put up with his bullshit.

Over the years while I took everything, I gain self reassurance. I have more power than i thought. I came to realize that this man is only in love with himself. He's so blinded by himself that if he could date himself he probably would. This man is not a man. This man will no longer have control over me. This man is not even worth a second of my time.   

Will I be able to forgive this man? I ask myself that numerous times. Yes I can forgive this man but I can never forget what he put me through. He is still my husband on paper, but he is a husband that I can no longer trust, confine in or depend on.  Therefore, he's no longer a husband in my heart. 

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